Edit 1 Info

I've finished the first edit. I fixed a few areas where the syllables were out of place and tidied up the language a bit. The alternating verse with the womans point of view was not done well at all. I'm saving it for future use and clarification, but it wasn't working. I'm debating adding another section, because as of right now the rhyme scheme repeats 3 times, and it feels as if it's ending way too soon. I think adding a 4th verse before where the current 3rd starts would create more impact.
I'm thinking of adding a refrain, but I'm not entirely sure where to add it. The womans part was originally intended for that, but failed in it's execution.

Also, I might try to refine the language and add syllable emphasis, but that stuff is really hard and I'm not sure whether my understanding is up to the task. At least I have something to work with though. Alot of things are still up in the air, but here we go - Oh, You! Revision 2!